An affair can be a huge traumatic loss and betrayal that can overwhelm a couples desire to cope, connect and communicate. Our team has some affair specialists who have years of experience guiding couples through this very common but difficult process.
Our Director Steven specialises in working intensively with couples working to rebuild their relationship after an affair or those who are trying to decide whether to stay or leave. In additiona we are working on online resourse to supplement and speed the healing process. Check out the Do’s and Don’t information below and watch the attached Youtube video with Esther Perel as this will be an important preparation for your work.
Important Do’s and Don’ts after discovering an affair
Don’t Interrogate your partner!!!!
No matter what they say you won’t believe it and it is extremely unlikely that they will fully disclose the truth straight away – write all your questions down – the time for asking them is later.
Do insist they get a sexual health test before any sexual intimacy occurs
Do find a safe person other than your partner to talk to.
Do give yourself time to grieve
Need Urgent Help – Try Relationship Rescue or Intensives
Our Relationship Rescue service – gives you a longer session with one of our senior counsellors. These are available with Gerry or Steven.
It is a very appropriate service to use for couples looking to tackle an affair as it gives enough time to work through issues in greater depth. Alternatively you can do full day or multi day sessions with our director Steven more info hereBook an Intensive or Rescue Session
Frequently Asked Questions about Affairs
The short answer is Yes! Maybe . . .
Adultery is a serious relationship breach that causes mistrust, anger, fear, and deep sadness.
These feelings of betrayal will take time to heal. Like a bone being broken it is possible for healing to occur – and in fact for the limb/marriage to emerge stronger from the experience. However, there are specific things that must be done for this healing to begin and for trust and healing to occur.
Your relationship will change – a lot. To survive in most cases it means that it will have to get significantly better. It’s not possible to simple erase the past – building a Relationship 2.0 is a challenging and rewarding possibility.
Most likely Yes
You will trust differently, with your eyes wide open. You trust will not be given as freely but you will trust.
How do I heal from Betrayal and an Affair
1. Professional Help – Find a specialist relationship counsellor trained in PORT, PACT, Gottman Method, Imago Relationship Therapy or Emotionally Focussed Therapy who has successfully worked with couples to help them recover from an affair. Working with affairs is challenging – find the best help you can access.
2. Time – Expect to spend time in counselling and at home working this through – there is no magic solution – make strategic plans to minimise avoidable time entanglements family social and religious entanglements may need to take a back seat for a while.
3. Money – working less, attending counselling, taking holidays together will have a tangible financial cost – however this cost is a fraction of the cost of separation.
4. Vulnerability – At some level all affairs occur because we could not voice a request for something we needed or desired – this is true for both the affaired on and the affairee. The primary reason for a professional therapist or counsellor is to create a safe environment for this vulnerability to occur.
Recovery will take couples and individual therapy, time, patience, developing new skills, understanding, and empathy. It is essential that you both understand the underlying causes of the affair, and each take responsibility for all unmet needs in the relationship.
Adultery is a wake-up for the call (a dysfunctional one). If you listen to the call the relationship will become stronger.